“Omo, shine your eyes oh, all of una wey say APC no go fit do Convention, una don see am, abi una no see am? No be say we just do Convention we do better one sef.. Orrr bih. APC on top!” 

“Are you okay?”

“I am okay. My party is doing well. We will win this election in 2023 and we will rule this country forever.”

“APC is not forever. Be realistic. You call what you guys did a Convention? Was that a democratic process?”

“Yes it was. I don’t expect any member of the opposition to say we did well. As the new Chairman of the party, Senator Abdullahi Adamu said, you people are full of tears and sadness.  And as the President said, he does not expect the PDP to be happy. All of you predicting that the APC will collapse, or that the Convention will end up as a Third World War, please listen to this Breaking News. On Saturday, the APC, Nigeria’s ruling party organized a successful Convention. The party respected all the rules. INEC kept a watching brief. Everything went smoothly. On Sunday, a new National Working Committee of the party was inaugurated. Oya, come on with your hate message”

“The whole thing was illegal and unconstitutional.”

“Hate speech,”

“Your new Chairman has EFCC cases all over his head. Many unresolved cases.”

“Hate speech. Nobody has ever convicted Senator Abdullahi Adamu. Be careful. You can be sued for defamation.”

“Is the man going to keep his seat as Senator representing Nasarawa West? You people don’t know the law.”

“That’s none of your business. When we get to that bridge we will cross it.”

“What was all that drama about unity list? Governors behaving like Zombie. The President gave them a list and everybody just complied. The whole APC Convention was a violation of the principles of internal party democracy.”

“In your head”

“One aspirant from Lagos even wept. One woman refused to step down. Another one protested that he had been a founding member of the party, only for someone to come from nowhere and parading himself as a consensus candidate.”

“That is democracy. We are a party of many sides. We accommodate everybody including people who think it is good to weep in public.”    

“Is that how to run a party? Make people weep?”

“It is supremely human for people to weep, shout and disagree. Tell me something else that I don’t know.”

“I hope you know that the PDP has a case in court about that your APC Convention”

“PDP should go and worry about its own problems. That case is dead on arrival. It has become completely academic. Is it PDP that will determine what we do in APC? I keep telling you, una no well” 

“We want to take power from you people? We will grab it.”

“Come and grab it and let’s see. Who will give you power?”

“No. Governor Wike has made the point. We will grab it.”

“Who is Wike?”

“Wike is the Governor of Rivers State. The Indaboski of PDP politics….  exponent of the mad man hypothesis in Nigerian politics”  

“I beg. You see that your Indaboski, go and advise him, because the day he leaves office as Governor and his immunity expires, he won’t even be allowed to enter his car. We will grab him.. You saw Willie Obiano wearing boxer shorts. Wike will not even be allowed to wear common singlet.”

“Are you people okay?” 

“Try us. You people go about threatening madness. We will show you the meaning of madness. You think we are joking?

“So that is why you people run a Convention of coercion. You intimidate people and you think you can intimidate all Nigerians?”

“Our party is a party of disciplined people. Our leaders took a decision and we all complied. Those who did not comply were allowed to have their way. In the end, there was peace, progress, and solidarity.”

 “In your mind, hen?”

“No. In your face!”

“I can tell you for free, that your party the APC is about to implode. Not everybody is happy. I see some of your party chieftains leaving the party and forming a Third Force.”

“You know what I think? Honestly? I really think the time has come for President Buhari to declare the fight against drug addiction a national emergency.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Just what I have said, because I don’t understand why an adult like you will stand before me, in this hot sun, and be hallucinating, jabbering and jam-talking. It doesn’t look normal.”

“I am very normal. Don’t insult me because of politics.”

“You are raising your voice.”

“Don’t tell me I am raising my voice? Because of APC politics?”

“Can you calm down?”

“Don’t tell me to calm down! Diesel is about N800 per litre. Where I live, they always put off light. We are told, the facility managers cannot afford to give us electricity. Fuel is expensive. Even prostitutes have raised their rates. They have become very arrogant. When you argue, they will tell you that the Dollar-Naira Exchange rate has gone up. What has FOREX got to do with monkey business?”

“Everything, actually, because - you have no shame. I think you know that. We are having a conversation and you are talking about prostitutes. Am I expected to have an opinion on what prostitutes want or what they charge?”

“Prostitutes are human beings. They are an important part of this Nigerian economy. I can talk about them if I so wish. In fact, I can write a whole book on that sub-economy.”

“Sorry oh, the spokesman of the Prostitutes Association of Nigeria. I get that. Yes, I get it.” 

“You cannot say that. In fact, your party is a party of prostitutes. Are you not even ashamed that all your major newly elected officers came originally from the Peoples Democratic party? The same people you pushed out of power in 2015, they are now the ones leading your party.”

“We like it like that. Leave us alone. It is called democracy”

“So, who is going to be your Presidential candidate?”

“How is that your problem?”

“I am just asking as a stakeholder. Are you people going to have a Consensus Presidential Candidate? A CPC!”

“Go and hold stakes in your own party”

“I am a citizen, an eligible member of the electorate. Who is that CPC candidate going to be? Will the choice be Asiwaju Bola Tinubu or someone else? I want to know who I may vote for.”

“You can keep your vote. Go and give it to PDP and waste it.”

“Arrogant”

“Yes, for a purpose. We are the ruling party.”

“Nonsense. In another two months, President Muhammadu Buhari would be lame duck. Nobody will listen to him again.”

“And so? And what if nobody listens to him?”

“And so”

“Okay you wait and see. When that duck is ready, we will serve you for breakfast.”

 “But jokes apart, I hope you know that your party is still going to have problems.”

“We are a unified party. Stop spreading fake news.”

“There will be political war in 2023.”

“If you start any violence, you people will end up in prison. We will not tolerate any nonsense!”

“Are you God?” Are you people God?”

“You want power. Come and take it now.”

“Nigeria is in trouble. God help us.”

“Please. I hope you know all your Pastors are with us.  You too should come and join us, join the winning train.”

“All your trains are always breaking down between Abuja and Kaduna and Ibadan and Lagos. Even airports are no longer safe.”

“It could have been worse. It could have been worse.”

“The philosophy of the defeated”

“The mantra of the triumphant.”

“Just let us get to power in 2023 and you people will see.”

“The more reason we will fight and die on top this matter. We will not  allow agents of hatred to take over this nation.”

“I just hope that the people know what they are doing.”

“Which people?”

“The Nigerian people and their PVCs.”

“PVCs?”\

“Yes”

“Like seriously”

“Yes”

“You must have been watching too much television. Please I have some other things to attend to.”

“No. I have not finished. I have a point to make.” \

“Unfortunately, I am done. There is no point.”

“I want to say something about the power of the PVC and the electorate.”

“That’s fine, but please, can I take this phone call? Na God I take beg you…”